1. Snoring like a sleep-deprived walrus
If you’re trying your best to survive a long haul flight, this one is brutal if your dad passes out and snores for hours like his life depends on it. You know, when it sounds like a pack of frustrated dogs are growling at a hoover sucking up wee bits of Lego. Double points if he falls asleep on the airport luggage belt like this poor chap here.
2. Wearing a bumbag when he’s clearly not The Rock
OK dads, let’s get one thing straight. Unless you’re Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, you will never be cool enough to pull off a bumbag. This is fact. To earn the right, you must first win several wrestling titles, star in many triple-A blockbuster movies and achieve the kind of physical prowess that gives Chuck Norris night terrors. Have you done all of that yet dad? No? Then take it off.
3. Getting horrific lobster sunburn
You’ve probably seen this type of dad before, the kind who would happily walk topless into the fire of Hades before admitting they need more sun cream. Even if their torso starts looking like that fake bacon you get on a McMuffin, they’ll still lay on the beach with their top off. If you need natural beauty to distract you from the image of red-chested middle-aged men, you might want to consult our guide to some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. Just focus on the soothing sight of the crystal blue water…
4. Telling stories of his youthful holidays
"I remember when I was your age I had some pretty ‘crazy’ holidays myself. It was about 1976 when the lads and I hopped into the Mini Cooper and drove to the flagship Butlins in Skegness for the weekend. We went to the disco after dinner and that’s when I first met your mother, and then a few drinks later–"
OK STOP! Stop right there, dad!
5. Finding British pubs abroad
There’s nothing like going abroad to get away from it all, only for your dad to drag you along to watch the Champions League final in the nearest British pub. Who needs golden beaches and new cultures when your dad can get an ice cold Carling and discuss the implications of goal difference with the locals?
6. Wearing sandals with socks
Fashion apocalypse aside, most of us normal folk wear sandals to keep our feet cool during a summer holiday. But then dads ruin it by adding white socks into the mix for … reasons? "Are you intending to wear sandals and socks while in the country?" should be asked to all dads at airport security.
7. Dad dancing at the resort disco
Hands up if this is familiar: you’re unwinding at the resort disco, your old man’s already smashed four bottles of Sol, then ‘Uptown Funk’ comes on. Suddenly your dad enters beast mode and transforms into the dancing king of Spain, flailing his arms like he’s being given electric shocks at irregular intervals. Rock on dad!
8. Treating you like a kid in public – loudly
"OK, we’ll catch you at the hotel later tonight, enjoy your dance club! Just remember to have plenty of milk before you go out drinking to line your stomach. And plenty of water. At least five glasses for every two pints. Have fun sweetie, we love you, bye!"
Ugh. Double ugh if you brought a mate along.
9. Playing Dad rock in the car
This one especially applies to road trip holidays with your dad. Whatever happens, do not give him control of your Spotify account. You better believe he’s not going to chuck on some Stormzy or Ed Sheeran. It’ll be Lynyrd Skynyrd, Steely Dan and Peter Frampton for miles, and chances are you’re going to hate it. Consider yourself warned.
10. Giving you sweets to stop popping ears
This will go one of two ways: if you’re flying, your dad will offer you a hard sweet – most likely a butter mint or humbug – to keep your ears from popping during take-off and landing. But if you’re on a road trip, he’ll have the glove box utterly rammed with the buggers, like he’s the Walter White of candy, pushing his minty crack onto anyone within spitting distance. Just call him ‘Heisen-Dad.’
11. Failing at haggling on an epic scale
Dads love a challenge, like stubbornly attempting to build furniture alone when it’s clearly a two-person job. Many dads enjoy haggling in markets, and this usually starts with them bragging to mum about how they’re going to get a good deal on a watch. After a few heated words with the stall owner they’ll return defeated, clutching five watches, a rug and some sort of leather bag. The harrowing expression on their sweating face will scream ‘help me’.
12. Tucking his shirt into his shorts
Now this is a classic that defies known logic. You could give your dad a pass if he’s doing this to hide his beer gut in the waistband of his shorts. Like, let’s say his beach body diet crashed and burned, then that’s understandable. But most times this one is a fashion omnishambles of the tallest order.https://twitter.com/MVroom_Vroom/status/376478814056243200
13. Belly-flopping into the pool
What starts as a valiant attempt at a graceful dive into the ocean ends up being a source of embarrassment for all involved. First you get the jiggling run up achieved by years of bad diet and lager, followed by a thunderous slap as water collides with flesh, piercing the sky like a bolt of lightning cast from Odin’s spear. He’ll emerge, but his pride will be sleeping with the fishes.
14. Tagging you in the holiday photos
Have you ever felt the sinking dread in your stomach when a friend request from your dad appears on Facebook. Imagine that, but multiply it as he starts to tag you in every blurry, badly timed, and embarrassing holiday photo possible. That one of you hungover AF after too many Sangrias? Tagged. The one of you sunburnt to crisp? Tagged – and so on, all for your mates to see.https://twitter.com/RowenaWedgwood/status/767433776708382722
15. Reminding you he cares.
To be fair, after all the embarrassing things dads do, it all boils down to them being one of the best friends we’ll ever have. Sure they may make us cringe with their carefree antics and when he tells you how much you matter to him, but in the spirit of Father’s Day, sometimes you have to just laugh it off and enjoy your time on holiday. Cheers dad, you’re all right really.
(Even if you’re not actually The Rock)
Need inspiration for a holiday this year? We’ve got bags of it…
It’s not too late to jet off this summer! Our guide to the Mediterranean is full of unmissable destinations which are ideal for a sunny getaway.